FAST TOMATOES


I've gone and invented a fast growing genetically magical tomato plant.
I mean fast like you'll have tomatoes as big as basketballs in a matter of minutes.
And the most delicious, not sad and white like the ones they try to sneak on your burger at
Harvey's.
Super tasty, super red, super fast.
Okay, get ready to watch as I water the patented Cosmic Tomato Plant seed.
It's going to blow your feeble little minds to witness the miracle of it all.
With lightening speed the vines will wind and twist (don't get too close or you might get
strangled) and little green babies will burst into larger than life sweet and perfectly ripe fruits.
You could make a week’s worth of ketchup from just one.
Spaghetti sauce for twenty.
Never want for salsa again.
I've solved all your tomato problems here people.
Speed, efficiency, yum-factor.
Ever wait patiently for your regular old 'garden variety' tomatoes to ripen only to have the
squirrels get to them first?
Well, these bad boys are faster than those fancy rats!
Bigger is better, faster is better when it comes to the tomato.
Today the tomato, tomorrow cucumbers as big as minivans. Okay, seriously people, stand back-
I don't want anyone losing an eye.


Here's where the dream gets serious:
The seed receives but one drop of water and immediately busts open in a wild mess of
supersonic vines that envelope a specially made wooden lattice.
It's a thing to see like something out of a science fiction movie only it's a dream so it's even
weirder.
Then as promised, the tomatoes start popping up everywhere and there's oohing and ahhing
from the crowd at tomatoes bigger than human heads. Everything is happening so fast and the growing feels out of control like 'what have I done' and I'm wondering if I coded an end
point to all this.
I reach up to grab one of the bigass tomatoes and it's really heavy and smooth.
I feel a surge of pride at my potentially world saving invention, and I turn around to the
audience with the tomato held over my head like it's a freakin' golden calf or something.
Admire me, my people, I'm thinking but something feels wrong and the faces I'm looking at
have wide eyes and gaping mouths.
Something's dripping down on my head, and I instinctively whip the tomato onto the ground.
It splats so hard and I watch in horror as little holes open up everywhere and hundreds of
supersonic insects come pouring out. Christ, I never thought of that. It's just tomatoes
everywhere living out their life cycle in one minute flat and they're all turning black and
mouldy and at this point people are starting to scream and hold back barfs. The black
basketballs are bursting apart now and bugs of all stripe are popping out like really
disgusting piñatas.

I'm just standing there paralyzed like
A: where did I go wrong and
B: I guess back to the drawing board.
But also who's going to clean up this mess and never ever try to play God.